


The one where Eve and Villanelle can’t stop texting each other

by hotladykisses



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, Phone Play, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24899821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotladykisses/pseuds/hotladykisses
Summary: Very highbrow texting between Eve and Villanelle about philosophical and romantic topics. Of course not! (Or is it?). Spoof (or is it?). Takes place after 3x6.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 84
Kudos: 560





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [The one where Eve and Villanelle can’t stop texting each other](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/638293) by Cléodacieuse. 



**February 2**

**08:46 pm**

**Unknown number:** Hey!

**08:49 pm**

**Unknown number:** What are you wearing?

**08:51 pm**

**Unknown number:** 💋 🚍

**09:15 pm**

**Eve:** Villanelle.

 **Unknown number:** Was it the 🚍 that gave me away?

**10:01 pm**

**Unknown number:** Eve?

 **Eve:** Stop texting me.

 **Unknown number:** You haven’t changed your number.

 **Eve** **:** So?

 **Unknown number:** So you don’t want me to stop texting.

 **Unknown number:** Good night, Eve.

 **Eve:** Where are you?

**10:40 pm**

**Eve:** Villanelle?

**11:22pm**

**Eve:** Oh, go to hell.

**February 14**

**11:02 am**

**Unknown number:** Happy Valentine’s day, Eve!

**11:03 am**

**Eve:** Fuck.

 **Unknown number:** So soon? Oh, Eve…We’ve only been flirting for a couple of years. Who do you think I am, some sort of slut?

 **Eve:** Where are you?

 **Unknown number:** On your doorstep.

 **Eve:** Really?

 **Unknown number:** No.

 **Unknown number:** But you wish I was, huh?

 **Eve:** Where are you?

**11:55 am**

**Eve:** Seriously, GO TO HELL!

 **Unknown number:** That’s what I did.

**February 17**

**08:18 pm**

**Unknown number:** What are you doing?

 **Eve:** I’m in a bar with some friends.

 **Unknown number:** 😂 What are you *actually* doing?

 **Eve:** I’m drinking wine in my pyjamas.

 **Eve:** What about you?

 **Unknown number:** I’m on my terrace.

 **Unknown number:** With a teenage girl.

 **Eve:** Don’t you have better things to do than texting me?

 **Unknown number:** No. Irina is boring.

 **Eve:** Irina?

 **Eve:** Are you with Konstantin?

 **Unknown number:** He says hello.

 **Eve:** Christ, Villanelle. Where are you? It’s been four months since you all vanished!

 **Unknown number:** Have a nice evening! 💋

**February 18**

**04:08 pm**

**Unknown number:** Fork or umbrella?

 **Eve:** I’m working.

 **Unknown number:** Nevermind, I’ll manage on my own.

 **Eve:** What for?

 **Unknown number:** Figuring out the best way to kill Irina.

 **Eve:** Villanelle!

 **Unknown number:** Come on, just kidding.

 **Unknown number:** Probably.

 **Eve:** Villanelle.

 **Unknown number:** I’ve been on my best behavior these days.

 **Eve:** I know.

 **Unknown number:** Oh, so you *did* keep looking for me.

 **Eve:** And curiously I find that more worrying than you acting out.

 **Unknown number:** Don’t worry. I’m laying low. You’re not the only one to look.

 **Eve:**?

 **Unknown number:** Weren’t you working?

 **Eve:** Will you tell me where you are, some day?

 **Unknown number:** Maybe.

**09:20 pm**

**Eve:** I hate you.

 **Unknown number:** I’m kinda busy right now.

 **Eve:** What are you doing?

 **Unknown number:** Trying to hook up with a girl.

 **Unknown number:** Curly brown hair, forty-something.

 **Eve:** …

 **Unknown number:** Don’t be mad. I’ll call her Eve.

**11:06 pm**

**Unknown number:** I miss you.

**February 20**

**08:48 pm**

**Unknown number:** Are you mad at me?

 **Eve:** I wish.

 **Unknown number:** What if I shoot you?

**09:14 pm**

**Unknown number:** Too soon?

 **Unknown number:** Hey, how did you label my number on your phone?

 **Eve:** I didn’t.

 **Unknown number:** Ouch. I have a few ideas if you want.

 **Eve:** No thanks.

 **Unknown number:** “Love of my life”?

 **Unknown number:** Hum, too conventional.

 **Unknown number:** “AILF”?

 **Eve:** What does it mean?

 **Eve:** No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

 **Unknown number:** “Assassin I’d like to…”

 **Eve:** I just said DON’T TELL ME.

 **Unknown number:** Wanna know what your label is?

 **Eve:** No.

 **Eve:** But you’re probably going to tell me anyway.

**11:16 pm**

**Eve:** Come on, say it.

 **V:** No, you have offended me.

 **Eve:** Don’t be a child.

 **V:** Huh, you sound just like Konstantin.

 **V:** Good night, Eve.

**February 22**

**11:15 pm**

**Eve:** Sixteen weeks.

 **V:** Eve! What a lovely surprise! Do you still think about me when you go to bed?

 **V:** About what I do and who I do it with?

 **V:** About what I have for breakfast and what shampoo I use?

 **Eve:** STOP. I get the idea.

 **V:** Hot *and* clever. That’s my kind of girl.

 **Eve:** It took you sixteen weeks before texting me.

 **V:** Oh Eve, you hopeless romantic! Did you count the days? Did you cross them out on your calendar?

 **Eve:** Why?

 **V:** I was gone for good.

 **Eve:** Which means?

 **V:** I wasn’t planning on texting you.

 **Eve:** What made you change your mind?

 **V:** Your hair.

 **Eve:** Okay, good night.

 **V:** What made you answer me?

**February 23**

**04:24 pm**

**Eve:** I have a question for you.

**04:48 pm**

**Eve:** Villanelle?

 **Eve:** Bloody hell, Villanelle, I’ve got the return receipts from your texts.

**05:12 pm**

**Eve:** I will cut off my hair.

 **V:** Wow, you’re really wicked!

 **V:** If you do that, I’ll kill you.

 **Eve:** Villanelle, do you know who tried to kill Niko?

 **V:** That would be me, apparently.

 **Eve:** Villanelle. Was it Dasha?

 **V:** Who’s Dasha?

 **Eve:** OK, I’ve had it.

 **V:** Wait.

 **V:** Don’t get mad.

 **V:** It was Dasha, OK? But she will pay for that. I’ll take care of it myself.

 **V:** How’s the Moustache?

 **Eve:** Oh, please. Like you even care.

 **V:** Do *you* care?

 **Eve:** He’s my husband.

 **V:** Not for long, from what I’ve heard.

 **Eve:** It’s complicated.

 **Eve:** There. It’s complicated.

 **V:** Do you still love him?

 **Eve:** He’s my husband.

 **V:** So? I’m not in love with my wife.

 **Eve:** I BEG YOUR PARDON?!

 **V:** Oops.

 **Eve:** Your *wife*?

 **V:** It was just a vacation fling.

 **Eve:** Do you always marry your vacation flings?

 **V:** This one is rich.

 **Eve:** …

 **V:** She’s *very* rich.

 **Eve:** …

 **V:** I was bored.

 **Eve:** …

 **V:** You were dead.

 **V:** So, technically it’s not cheating.

**08:23 pm**

**Eve:** You don’t work for the 12 anymore.

 **V:** I knew that but… thanks for the tip?

 **Eve:** They are looking for you. They want you dead.

 **V:** Yup. Very rude. And so ungrateful, don’t you think? After all I did for them.

 **V:** I gave them the best years of my life 😢 😭

 **Eve:** Can they find you?

 **V:** I don’t think so.

 **Eve:** You don’t *think* so?

 **V:** You can never be sure of these things, right?

 **Eve:** Be careful.

**February 24**

**10:18 pm**

**V:** I promise.

**February 26**

**04:45 pm**

**Eve:** V.

 **V:** Yes?

 **Eve:** V. I labelled you V.

 **V:** Simple.

 **V:** *Intimate*. I like it.

 **Eve:** What about me?

 **V:** My little sweetheart.

 **Eve:**!

 **Eve:** You’d better be joking.

 **V:** It’s not as if you could see for yourself, right?

 **Eve:** Do people still call you Oksana sometimes?

 **V:** The last people who did are dead.

 **V:** Why, do you want to try?

 **Eve:** You already shot me.

 **V:** Says the woman who stabbed me.

 **Eve:** It had nothing to do with what you did!

 **V:** Really? Care to explain why?

 **Eve:** I didn’t want to kill you.

 **V:** Maybe I didn’t either.

 **Eve:** Liar.

 **V:** Guilty as charged 😜

 **V:** But hey, I’m a psychopath, remember? That’s what I’m supposed to do.

 **V:** Do you think I’m an agent of chaos? A beautiful monster?

 **Eve:** In your dreams.

 **Eve:** You have such an ego, you’re unbelievable.

 **V:** Well, some people don’t think like you.

 **Eve:** Who told you that?

 **V:** A French woman. Very hot.

 **V:** Who clearly wanted to do lots of naughty things to me, by the way.

 **Eve:** Are you planning on having sex with women from all around the world?

 **V:** Who said anything about sex, Eve? Oh my, do you ever think about anything else?

 **Eve:** Oh please.

 **V:** Jealous?

 **Eve:** Absolutely not.

 **V:** Come on, you know I like England better. But you’re not gonna ask me to stop sleeping with people, are you?

 **Eve:** Would you if I asked you to?

 **V:** Now who’s got an ego?

 **V:** No, I wouldn’t.

 **Eve:** I wouldn’t ask you to, anyway.

 **Eve:** I don’t care who you sleep with or not.

 **V:** Right. And you keep texting me because of your work.

**10:56 pm**

**V:** Do you remember when you were afraid of me?

 **Eve:** Why are you asking me about that?

 **V:** I’m feeling nostalgic.

**March 3**

**09:16 pm**

**Eve:** Fuck.

 **Eve:** *Irina* killed a guy?!

 **V:** Oh, no. She missed him. I don’t know what to do with her.

 **Eve:** She ran him over! Twice!

 **V:** Oh, that one!

 **V:** Yeah, she definitely killed that one.

 **Eve:** …

**March 4**

**07:12 pm**

**V:** Still mad at me?

 **Eve:** Yes.

 **V:** Because of Rome?

 **Eve:** No.

 **V:** Because of Gemma?

 **Eve:** No.

 **V:** Because I sleep with lots of women?

 **Eve:** …No. But if you could stop mentioning it every single time?

 **V:** About the bus?

 **Eve:** No.

 **Eve:** I liked the bus.

 **V:** Which part?

 **Eve:** All of them.

 **V:** Do you want to do it again?

 **Eve:** I can hit you again whenever you want.

 **V:** Why are you mad at me then?

 **Eve:** You left.

**11:24 pm**

**V:** Cuba.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still a translation, so any weird English is on me! I hope you enjoy the fic though. 
> 
> The author would like you to know that she doesn’t write in English but that she can read your comments and she loves them! So don’t hesitate, just tell her what you think!

**March 5**

**08:02 pm**

**Eve:** My shrink – she thinks I shouldn’t come.

**08: 48 pm**

**V:** Kill her.

 **V:** I mean, she’s right. But kill her anyway.

 **V:** Wait…You’re seeing a *shrink*?

 **Eve:** Villanelle.

 **V:** I would do it for you but it’s a bit complicated, considering my current location.

 **V:** And you won’t always be able to rely on me for this kind of things.

 **V:** Why are you seeing a shrink?

 **Eve:** Oh, I don’t know. Because I’m homeless, jobless and practically divorced? Because I got shot? Because one of my only friends was murdered? Or because I *killed a fucking guy with an axe*?

 **V:** That’s a lot of reasons.

**11:55 pm**

**Eve:** Or because I’m still writing to you?

**March 6**

**09:06 pm**

**V:** Do you know Crocodile Rock?

 **Eve:** Everybody knows Crocodile Rock.

 **V:** Cool song.

 **Eve:** … Okay. And you’re telling me this because…?

 **V:** I was just listening to it.

 **Eve:** *You* are into Elton John?

 **V:** My brother’s a big fan.

 **Eve:** You have a *brother*?!

 **V:** I have two.

 **Eve:** Wow. Your file said you didn’t have any family left.

 **V:** Life is full of surprises. Turns out I have two brothers.

 **V:** Well, one brother and a half, actually.

 **Eve:** A half-brother, do you mean?

 **V:** Yeah, he’s a half-pint.

 **V:** I left him some money. To go see Elton.

 **Eve:** That’s… surprisingly nice, Villanelle :)

 **V:** I owed him that much.

 **V:** I had just killed his mum.

 **Eve:** On which side is he your half-brother, did you say?

 **V:** I didn’t.

 **Eve:** On which side is he your half-brother, Villanelle?

 **V:** My mother’s side.

 **Eve:** … Okay.

 **Eve:** Do you want to talk about it?

 **V:** No.

 **Eve:** Then what do you want to do?

 **V:** I’m listening to the greatest hits right now.

 **Eve:** Crazy night ahead, huh?

 **V:** You have no idea.

 **V:** Wanna give it a try?

 **Eve:** My earbud cord is all tangled up.

 **V:** *Of course* your earbud cord is all tangled up!

 **Eve:** What’s that supposed to mean?

 **V:** My little Martha Stewart!

 **V:** I’ll send you some headphones.

 **Eve:** Quiet. I’m trying to listen to the music.

**11:08 pm**

**V:** Don’t go breaking my heart 🎵

**March 8**

**09:36 pm**

**V:** On a scale from one to ten, how would you rate our first date?

 **Eve:** We never had a date.

 **V:** Excuse me?

 **V:** We had dinner, just you and me – a delicious shepherd’s pie.

 **V:** And then you took your clothes off.

 **V:** If *that*’s not a date, I don’t know what is.

 **Eve:** I was *terrified*, frantic and wet. Are you calling that a date?

 **V:** Frantic and wet, I’d even call that a *successful* date 😜

 **Eve:** …

 **Eve:** God, I can’t even tell if you’re serious.

 **V:** The second one was definitely a nine. We had so much fun!

 **Eve:** It wasn’t funny, Villanelle!

 **V:** HA!

 **V:** That one you do remember!

 **Eve:** You forced me to ingest some *arsenic*!

 **V:** Don’t be such a cry-baby, it wasn’t arsenic.

 **Eve:** But I thought it was! What was it anyway?

 **V:** Just some Tylenol 🤣🤣

 **V:** Apparently, having fun is one of the ground rules for a successful date.

 **Eve:** Apparently?

 **V:** Google says so.

 **Eve:** Did you really just google that?

 **V:** I’m more than just a pretty face on top of a perfect body, Eve. I’m interested in a lot of things.

 **Eve:** Your search history must be fascinating.

 **V:** I’ll send you a screen cap.

 **Eve:** I’m no expert but I’m quite sure that another ground rule is no death threats.

 **Eve:** You should study for next time.

 **V:** Next time? How cocky of you!

 **Eve:** It was just a manner of speaking.

 **V:** Next time, Eve, I’ll rock your world.

 **Eve:** Is that so? You’re always so humble!

 **V:** Always!

 **Eve:** Have you ever had a normal date?

 **V:** Yes, I have! I had a boyfriend in Paris. We used to go out for ice-cream. A very simple, very normal relationship.

 **V:** But then he died a gruesome death, so I don’t know if it qualifies.

 **Eve:** …There, I have a headache.

 **V:** Do you want some Tylenol?

**March 10**

**10:18 pm**

**Eve:** I saw my shrink today.

 **V:** Again?

 **Eve:** Twice a week.

 **V:** And is it working?

 **Eve:** Not really.

 **V:** What is she like?

 **Eve:** Dark hair, thirty-something, wearing glasses.

 **V:** Wow Eve, I wasn’t asking you how she *looks*.

 **Eve:** She’s smart but mostly aggravating.

 **Eve:** And yes, you did want to know how she looks.

 **V:** She’s just your type. Should I worry?

 **V:** Is she pretty?

 **Eve:** Quite. Jealous?

 **V:** Absolutely not. Curious.

 **Eve:** Good.

 **V:** Eve… Do you *want* me to be jealous?

 **Eve:** Absolutely not.

 **V:** Good.

 **Eve:** Good.

 **V:** Do you talk about me in there?

 **Eve:** I hardly talk about anything *but* you.

 **Eve:** And it’s *not* a good thing. Don’t smile.

 **V:** Too late.

**March 12**

**06:14 pm**

**Eve:** So… You killed your mother?

 **V:** Wow Eve, civilized people say “good evening” first, at least.

 **Eve:** Why?

 **V:** Because it’s more polite.

 **Eve:** Villanelle.

 **V:** Because she hadn’t changed.

 **Eve:** What do you mean?

 **V:** She was still blaming me for everything.

 **Eve:** Everything?

 **V:** Yes, and it’s not true, Eve. The thing is that Borka is completely unhinged. And I mean, I just met him, so, obviously…

 **Eve:** Borka?

 **V:** My brother, the little one.

 **Eve:** Okay. So she hadn’t changed.

 **V:** No, and it was alright, do you see? If only she had wanted to admit it.

 **V:** That she’s like me, I mean. That *I*’m like her.

 **V:** Why is it that nobody ever wants to admit it?

 **Eve:** Is that why you shot me?

 **V:** I don’t know.

 **V:** I don’t cope well with rejection.

 **Eve:** No kidding.

 **Eve:** There are other ways to deal with your issues, you know.

 **V:** As efficient as this one? None that I know of.

 **Eve:** I could teach you. I could try.

 **V:** I don’t know. Look, I haven’t killed Irina yet, and this morning she told me I was ugly with dark hair!

 **Eve:** Has she seen herself?

 **V:** YES! That’s exactly what I said!

**11:06 pm**

**V:** I’m glad I haven’t killed you.

 **Eve:** Thanks, I guess?

 **V:** You’re welcome.

**March 13**

**06:54 pm**

**V:** What do you tell your shrink when you talk about me?

 **Eve:** Well, I can’t tell her *everything*, obviously.

 **Eve:** I had to… Let’s say… Edit some parts.

 **V:** Such as?

 **Eve:** I won’t tell you.

 **V:** Do tell.

 **Eve:** No, you’ll make fun of me.

 **V:** I can’t promise you I won’t. Tell me anyway!

 **Eve:** No.

 **V:** Pleaaaase.

 **Eve:** No.

 **V:** I said please!

 **Eve:** You *whined* please. It’s still no. Are you going to throw a tantrum now?

 **V:** But Eeeeve.

 **V:** I’m bored.

 **V:** I don’t kill, I don’t fuck, I barely eat carbs anymore, and that little bitch Irina won’t let me anywhere near the TV remote.

 **Eve:** Really?

 **V:** Really! Konstantin decided that we had to eat healthy food. Some crap about his heart attacks, I don’t know, I stopped listening after ten seconds.

 **Eve:** And you’re not doing *any* of these things anymore?

 **V:** Eve… My little sweetheart. Why don’t you ask me directly what you *really* want to know?

 **Eve:** Will you answer honestly if I do?

 **V:** If you answer my question.

 **Eve:** Deal.

**07:45 pm**

**Eve:** So?

 **V:** You haven’t asked me anything yet.

 **Eve:** God, you’re so annoying.

 **V:** 💋

 **Eve:** Are you really not fucking anymore?

 **V:** Not really, no.

 **Eve:** Not really?

 **V:** I came back home with a girl two weeks ago.

 **V:** She left very, *very* satisfied. As for me… Not so much.

 **Eve:** Why? 

**V:** Do you want me to spell it out for you?

 **V:** Oh, I can spell it out for you if you want!

 **Eve:** Please don’t.

 **V:** She wasn’t reminding me enough of you.

 **V:** You completely ruined my sex life.

 **Eve:** Sorry baby x

 **V:** You’re so *not* sorry.

 **Eve:** Hot *and* clever. That’s my kind of girl.

 **V:** Oh my god.

 **V:** You’re learning way too fast.

 **V:** So, your shrink?

 **Eve:** I told her that you are narcissistic and childish.

 **V:** I’m so *not* childish. 😖

 **Eve:** Yes, you are.

 **V:** No, I’m not.

 **Eve:** Yes, you are.

 **V:** No, I’m not.

 **Eve:** Yes, you are.

 **V:** No, I’m not.

 **Eve:** This can go on forever.

 **V:** I won!

 **Eve:** Are you sure about that?

 **V:** …

**March 14**

**09:16 pm**

**Eve:** What are you doing?

 **V:** Grumble.

 **Eve:** Someone’s in a mood.

 **Eve:** Did Irina pull your hair?

 **V:** Konstantin.

 **Eve:** Konstantin pulled your hair?

 **V:** He thinks we are texting too much.

 **Eve:** And it bothers him because…?

 **V:** He’s worried, yadda yadda the Twelve and yadda yadda Anna.

 **V:** So I told him “You’re not my mother. I *killed* my mother, remember?”

 **V:** And he said “You know how you are when you think you love someone”, and wtf, I don’t think, I *know*. I’m a big girl, thank you very much.

 **V:** Could he be more patronizing?

 **V:** Well, not that I’m *big* obviously, but….

 **V:** Eve? Are you still with me?

 **Eve:** Yes.

 **Eve:** I’m processing the news.

 **V:** There’s nothing new about Konstantin being a first-class killjoy.

 **Eve:** No, Villanelle.

 **Eve:** You literally just said that you loved me.

 **V:** Oh… I did? Are you sure?

**09:58 pm**

**V:** And… What if I did?

 **Eve:** This time I would believe you.


	3. Chapter 3

**March 16**

**11 :54 pm**

**Eve:** Villanelle?

**Eve:** That thing you told me in Paris.

**Eve:** Is it still true?

**V:** I said a lot of things in Paris. You’re gonna have to be more specific.

**Eve:** You know what I’m talking about…

**V:** Eve? How many drinks did you have?

**Eve:** Enough to ask you that question.

**V:** Not enough to ask me plainly.

**Eve:** You’re never going to make things easy for me, are you?

**V:** You never wanted it to be easy.

**Eve:** Maybe not.

**Eve:** Sometimes I do.

**V:** OK. I can do easy.

**V:** You want to know if I still think about you when I masturbate.

**V:** It’s a stupid question, Eve.

**V:** Of course I do.

**Eve:** What about you, don’t you have anything to ask me…?

**V:** Oh yes, I do.

**V:** Do you think that white chocolate *is* chocolate?

**Eve:** In what universe isn’t *that* a stupid question?

**Eve:** It’s called chocolate, so it’s chocolate.

**V:** But it’s *white*, Eve.

**Eve:** Hence the name. Have you done it recently?

**V:** Two hours ago. Just before the white chocolate.

**Eve:** I thought you had given up on sugar?

**V:** I’ve got a secret stash. In a tampon box.

**V:** There’s no way Konstantin will ever stick his nose into it.

**Eve:** That’s smart.

**V:** I’m a smart girl.

**Eve:** Was it good?

**V:** Yes.

**Eve:** How good?

**V:** Not as good as Belgian chocolate. And really, is that even chocolate, huh? I mean, if you consider it’s all about the cocoa…

**Eve:** I’m not talking about your fucking chocolate, Villanelle!

**V:** Ha! So you think it *is* chocolate!

**Eve:** I just told you so. Literally.

**V:** I don’t think real chocolate lovers would agree with you though.

**Eve:** And I thought you’d jump at the chance to talk about sex with me.

**V:** Oh! Oh! Are we finally using real words?

**Eve:** Really? Are you going to be a dickhead *now*?

**V:** Eve… I’m not completely stupid, you know.

**V:** You text me at almost midnight to talk about my masturbatory fantasies. And I figure you haven’t had sex in… How long has it been, by the way?

**Eve:** It has nothing to do with it.

**V:** Anyway, if you feel an itch, go ahead and scratch. But I won’t help you tonight.

**Eve:** Wow.

**Eve:** OK.

**Eve:** Good night.

**V:** I’m not rejecting you, Eve.

**Eve:** Just drop it, OK?

**V:** I could write a novel in several volumes with all the things I want to do to you, you know that.

**V:** But not now and not like that.

**V:** I’m going to finish my maybe chocolate and go to bed now.

**V:** Have fun 😉

**March 17**

**11:36 am**

**Eve:** White chocolate contains cocoa butter though.

**V:** Did you just google that?

**Eve:** Yes.

**Eve:** Thanks for the headphones.

**V:** A word of warning would have been nice.

**V:** I would have been sitting.

**Eve:** What now?

**V:** You just *thanked* me.

**Eve:** That’s what polite people do.

**V:** Yes, *polite* people.

**Eve:** I’m a polite person.

**V:** You haven’t thanked me for the cake.

**V:** Was it good, by the way?

**Eve:** How should I know? I threw it away.

**V:** There are starving children, Eve!

**Eve:** How could I be sure that you hadn’t poisoned it?

**V:** You tried out the lipstick, though.

**Eve:** How can you possibly know that?

**V:** You just confirmed it.

**Eve:** I could have gotten seriously injured.

**V:** But the color was so beautiful.

**V:** You do know how to use wireless headphones, right?

**Eve:** Are you asking me if I can use headphones?

**V:** Can you?

**Eve:** … Not really.

**March 18**

**07:05 pm**

**V:** As a woman, would you define yourself rather as the Chanel or Dior type?

**V:** If you answer the H&M type, I’m deleting your number.

**Eve:** I wasn’t going to answer that.

**V:** Really?

**Eve:** OK, I was totally going to answer that.

**V:** So, Dior or Chanel?

**Eve:** Definitely Dior.

**V:** Did you pick an answer randomly?

**Eve:** Not at all. “La Vie Est Belle” is a great name for a perfume.

**V:** It *was* a good idea… by Lancôme, Eve!

**Eve:** Does it make any difference?

**V:** You’re killing me.

**V:** Literally, you’re killing me.

**Eve:** I only wear La Villanelle anyway.

**V:** … Nice try.

**V:** But seriously, how can anyone mistake Dior for Lancôme?

**Eve:** This might come as a surprise to you, but working for MI5 is not as lucrative as the international scale assassination business.

**V:** Maybe you should have married an international scale assassin instead of a math teacher, then.

**Eve:** Not everybody gets married for the money.

**V:** Is there any other good reason?

**V:** By the way, I’d like to point out that I’m very rich.

**Eve:** Are you asking me to marry you?

**V:** In your dreams.

**Eve:** Fine by me, I don’t need haute couture clothes anyway.

**V:** Your body is begging to differ.

**V:** When we go back to Paris, I’ll cover you with pretty things.

**Eve:** Are you talking about yourself?

**V:** Oh!

**V:** Inappropriate jokes, now?

**V:** I’m so proud of you!

**Eve:** What’s so great about Paris anyway?

**V:** They have Place Vendôme, champagne and Parisian women. What’s not to love?

**V:** That being said, you were right – you’d be gorgeous in Dior.

**V:** I’ll buy you some Dior.

**Eve:** OK.

**11:46 pm**

**Eve:** Gorgeous, huh?

**V:** Go to bed, Eve 💋

**March 19**

**06:54 pm**

**Eve:** It’s a poem.

**V:** Life?

**Eve:** A villanelle. It’s a poem.

**V:** Wow, Eve. I’m going to disappoint you, but… I already knew that.

**V:** Did you just find out?

**Eve:** No.

**Eve:** But you never told me why.

**V:** Because I wanted an Asian woman with amazing hair to say one day “That girl is a real piece of work.”

**Eve:** You really think you’re funny, right?

**V:** I *know* I am.

**Eve:** Was it for Anna?

**V:** It’s been almost ten years, Eve.

**V:** Do we really need to talk about her?

**Eve:** I’m not Anna, Villanelle.

**V:** No, you’re way hotter.

**Eve:** I’m serious.

**V:** Me too. You’re really hot.

**Eve:** You’re a pain, Oksana.

**V:** I was just being *nice*!

**10:06 pm**

**V:** I thought it was cool.

**V:** As a name. Villanelle.

**V:** Really cool actually. So dashing.

**V:** That’s it.

**Eve:** It suits you.

**V:** I know!

**V:** And I like poetry. Don’t you?

**Eve:** Not really.

**Eve:** The thing is you never know what it really means.

**V:** That’s the whole point, darling.

**V:** You never know what *I* really mean.

**V:** Or you would have stopped texting me a long time ago.

**Eve:** Is that what you think?

**March 20**

**09:54 pm**

**Eve:** What do you think would have happened in Paris?

**Eve:** If I hadn’t done what I did to you.

**V:** You mean, if you hadn’t tried to kill me?

**V:** The sex would have been amazing.

**Eve:** I mean, after that.

**V:** Probably more sex.

**Eve** : Apart from the sex!

**V:** Hm.

**V:** We would have gone out for dinner. Maybe at Ducasse’s. Do you like fish?

**V:** Oh! We would have had a hot chocolate at Angelina’s!

**Eve:** I have no idea who these people are.

**V:** Movies. We would have gone to the movies.

**V:** And then more sex obviously.

**V:** OH! Sex *at* the movies!

**Eve:** Sex at the movies would have been definitely out of the question.

**V:** Why? 😭

**Eve:** Because I’m not fifteen!

**Eve:** Seriously, what would have happened?

**V:** I don’t know. Normal stuff?

**Eve:** You’d get bored.

**V:** Not even close.

**March 21**

**06:05 pm**

**Eve:** What do you do all day?

**V:** It depends.

**Eve:** What did you do today?

**V:** I went shopping!

**Eve:** Yesterday?

**V:** Shopping!

**Eve:** …

**Eve:** What’s the point of having more clothes than you can wear?

**V:** Blasphemy!

**V:** Defamation!

**V:** I wear all of them.

**Eve:** More than once?

**V:** Are they supposed to be worn more than once?

**V:** And I’ll let you know that I had practically nothing left.

**V:** Do you have any idea how hard it is to have to choose the *one* perfect outfit before leaving?

**V:** I felt like that woman…

**V:** The one who had to make a choice between her children.

**Eve:** … Sophie?

**V:** Possibly. A tragedy.

**Eve:** But… Can you still afford it?

**Eve:** I mean, you no longer have a regular income, right?

**V:** Konstantin!

**V:** Give her phone back to Eve *now*!

**Eve:** Very funny.

**V:** Those parents, I swear.

**Eve:** I’m definitely *not* your mother.

**V:** No, you’re way hotter.

**Eve:** You really have the worst sense of humour - the worst I’ve ever seen.

**V:** He’s horrible, Eve. Horrible.

**V:** He’s torturing me. First the food, now the shopping.

**V:** He keeps repeating that awful thing – be *responsible*, Villanelle.

**V:** We have lots of money.

**Eve:** But no more job.

**V:** I’ll find another one. I’m good at a lot of things, despite what Carolyn says.

**Eve:** What does she have to do with anything?

**V:** I offered to work for MI6.

**V:** She said I was of no interest to them if I didn’t kill.

**Eve:** You know what?

**Eve:** Fuck Carolyn.

**V:** Yeah. Fuck Carolyn.

**08:09 pm**

**V:** Do you think I am of no more interest if I don’t kill?

**Eve:** I think a lot of people have a vested interest in *you* thinking so.

**March 22**

**07:06 pm**

**V:** Sometimes, I feel old.

**Eve:** You’re telling *me* that?

**V:** Who else would I tell?

**March 23**

**09:34 pm**

**Eve:** What are we doing, Villanelle?

**V:** I don’t know about you but I’m having a unique experience right now.

**V:** Five scoops, Eve. FIVE!

**V:** They kept pretending that they didn’t have an ice-cream cone big enough, can you believe it? I had to raise my voice but the result is SPLENDID!

**V:** With a topping. Chocolate sprinkles.

**V:** 🍦😋

**Eve:** Villanelle.

**V:** I think I just had an orgasm.

**Eve:** Villanelle.

**V:** What? There is such a thing as a stomach orgasm, Eve.

**Eve:** No, there isn’t.

**Eve:** And can you forget about that ice-cream for one minute?

**V:** Yes, there is.

**V:** And I’d rather die than forget about that absolute perfection.

**Eve:** I’m trying to discuss something with you.

**V:** And I’m not having that discussion.

**V:** Especially not with passion fruit sorbet dripping all over my fingers.

**V:** Wanna help me clean them up?

**Eve:** We need to have that conversation sooner or later.

**V:** No, Eve, we don’t. *You* need to have that conversation. With yourself.

**V:** I’ve already put pretty much all my cards on the table, don’t you think?

**V:** You’re the one who stabbed me just when I was about to offer you a one in a lifetime experience.

**V:** You’re the one who left me hanging in Amsterdam.

**V:** You’re the one who refused to leave with me. You again who chickened out on the bus.

**Eve:** And I’m the one who had a price put on my own head just to see you!

**V:** That was hot.

**V:** Stupid, but hot.

**Eve:** Why didn’t you kiss me?

**Eve:** That night, in my kitchen.

**Eve:** I told you I’d give you anything you wanted. And you didn’t try to get a thing.

**V:** You’d have said that it was just so I would agree to work for you. That you had let me do it for a good cause. That everything was *under control*.

**Eve:** I’d never have said that!

**V:** Yes, you would have.

**Eve:** Oh.

**10:46 pm**

**Eve:** You do know it would have been a lie, right?


	4. Chapter 4

**March 24**

**08:14 am**

**V:** Are you sterile, Eve?

 **Eve:** Wow, it’s way too early for that kind of questions.

 **Eve:** Coffee first.

 **V:** Easy on the booze in your coffee 😉

 **Eve:** Very funny. I don’t drink before 6 pm.

 **V:** Yeah, right. So, are you sterile?

 **Eve:** No, Villanelle, I’m not sterile. What’s gotten into you now?

 **V:** You don’t have any children.

 **Eve:** You don’t either.

 **Eve:** That I know of.

 **Eve:** Oh my god – do you *have* children?

 **V:** Don’t be ridiculous, I’m much too young.

 **V:** Niko looks like someone who’d want a lot of children though.

 **Eve:** Maybe Niko does, but I don’t.

 **V:** Good point.

 **V:** You rather look like someone who’d throw eggs at them when they come knocking on Halloween.

 **Eve** : I’ve never thrown eggs at children!

 **V:** Thrown something else?

 **Eve:** Possibly.

 **V:** You’re exquisite.

 **V:** I’m very good with children, you know?

 **Eve:** Villanelle… You literally *killed* a child.

 **V:** What? I’ve never killed a child!

 **Eve:** Is that so? Gabriel, does it ring a bell?

 **V:** Nope.

 **Eve:** You wrung his neck in Paris!

 **V:** Still nothing. Be more specific?

 **Eve:** At the hospital! You left me an apple.

 **V:** Oh, yes! Clever, the apple, wasn’t it?

 **V:** Dear Gabriel. A bit whiny but so helpful. He wasn’t really a child anyway.

 **V:** And he asked me to kill him. So this doesn’t count.

 **V:** You should have seen his face. I did him a favor actually. No girl would ever have wanted to have sex with him.

 **V:** And *he* thought I was funny. See? I do really well with kids.

 **Eve:** Because you are one.

 **V:** Wow, it’s way too early for you to be unpleasant.

**07:36 pm**

**V:** So, you don’t want any children?

 **Eve:** What’s the point?

 **V:** I don’t know. It’s fun.

 **V:** I kidnapped a baby in Spain. Did you know they made designer clothes for babies that are absolutely *adorable*?

 **V:** Seriously, I turned it into a baby top model.

 **Eve:** You did *what*?!

 **V:** Relax. I didn’t keep it.

 **V:** Dasha took it from me and put it in the trash.

 **Eve:** Dasha did *what*? Are we still talking about the baby?

 **V:** I said relax. The dumpster didn’t even have a lid.

 **Eve:** …

**09:48 pm**

**Eve:** The baby, was it alive?

 **V:** Of course it was!

 **V:** Who do you think I am? Some kind of dangerous murderer?

 **Eve:** … Very funny.

 **V:** 😂 😂

**March 25**

**08:16 pm**

**Eve:** You never really kept a low profile though.

 **Eve:** I mean, an assassin isn’t supposed to be so… *showy*. Isn’t that the very opposite of the job description?

 **V:** Are you telling me that I’m bad at my job, Eve?

 **V:** Because I’m quite sure I’ve nothing left to prove when it comes to efficiency.

 **Eve:** No, you’re good. No one can say you’re not.

 **Eve:** But it’s… I don’t know, a bit of a paradox, isn’t it?

 **V:** I’ve got style. Or did you want me to be as boring as your girlfriend?

 **Eve:** My girlfriend?

 **V:** The boring Asian woman you tried to make me jealous of.

 **V:** Quite unsuccessfully, if I may say so.

 **Eve:** The Ghost?

 **V:** Right, Casper.

 **Eve:** She was efficient too.

 **V:** Yeah, in a boring kind of way.

 **Eve:** But you *are* jealous!

 **V:** You stood me up to run after her. I’m not the jealous type, but if I *were*…

 **Eve:** You just used the word “boring” three times in three sentences. Just saying.

 **V:** Really? Aren’t you going to apologize for Amsterdam?

 **V:** It was extremely rude, Eve.

 **Eve:** Seriously, what’s the matter with you and Amsterdam? Carolyn had assigned me to another case.

 **V:** Right. And everybody knows how obedient you always are.

 **Eve:** You were killing three people a minute! Was I supposed to come running every single time? How are you still able to walk with such an ego?

 **V:** Fuck you, Eve.

**09:23 pm**

**Eve:** Are you really mad?

**10:12 pm**

**Eve:** Do you want some white chocolate?

**10:36 pm**

**Eve:** What if it’s Belgian?

**11:38 pm**

**Eve:** OK, you know what? That sulky silence thing is really *not* funny when you could be killed at any moment.

 **V:** I’m alive.

 **V:** Happy?

 **Eve:** What was so special about it?

 **V:** My bad. I didn’t know that you were receiving postcards from high-caliber assassins like me on a regular basis.

 **V:** Do you keep your collection in a box?

 **Eve:** What? What are you talking about?

 **Eve:** I never received a postcard.

 **V:** Fuck.

 **V:** I think I’ll make an exception to my current good behavior and kill Carolyn.

 **Eve:** So…You sent me a postcard?

 **V:** Yep. You’d have loved it. Extremely pretty.

 **V:** So you didn’t stand me up on purpose.

 **Eve:** No.

 **V:** Cool.

 **Eve:** Were you that upset?

 **V:** I wouldn’t go that far. I just felt something weird.

 **Eve:** Something weird?

 **V:** Yeah, really weird.

 **V:** In my stomach.

 **V:** As if I had eaten something too rich.

 **V:** Which is completely ridiculous, because if you knew what my stomach can take!

 **Eve:** Sounds to me like you were sad.

 **V:** What?

 **Eve:** Your weird feeling, it was sadness.

 **V:** Holy cow, how can you stand those kinds of feelings on a regular basis?

 **Eve:** Honestly? I have no idea.

 **V:** I was so disappointed I almost killed a girl who was cutting in line to go to the bathroom.

 **Eve:** I can’t stand it when people do that.

 **V:** Yeah, right?

 **V:** I thought you had forgotten about me.

 **Eve:** You idiot.

 **V:** I must admit I’m quite unforgettable.

**March 26**

**06:28 pm**

**Eve:** I think I just got hit on at the Starbucks.

 **V:** You *think*?

 **Eve:** The guy asked me for my phone number.

 **V:** And did you give it to him?

 **Eve:** No, I didn’t.

 **Eve:** I gave him yours.

 **V:** … Oh. I’m going to have so much fun!

**07:32 pm**

**V:** He texted me!

 **Eve:** What did he say?

**07:54 pm**

**Eve:** Villanelle?

**08:28 pm**

**V:** He wants a picture of my breasts.

 **V:** Well, of *your* breasts.

 **Eve:** Are you going to send it to him?

 **V:** Are you going to send me a picture of your breasts?

 **Eve:** Absolutely not.

 **V:** I guess I’ll just have to send him a picture of mine, then.

 **Eve:** Absolutely not.

 **V:** Possessive much?

 **Eve:** For your information, he was badly dressed.

 **V:** Was he wearing a turtleneck?

 **Eve:** OK, fine. Send him a picture of your breasts, I don’t care.

**08:42 pm**

**Eve:** Did you just send me a picture of your breasts?!

 **V:** Oops.

 **V:** Wrong number.

 **Eve:** Don’t you dare send *him* that.

**March 27**

**03:26 pm**

**Eve:** I received my divorce papers.

 **V:** OK.

 **Eve:** That’s it?

 **V:** Well… Congratulations?

 **Eve:** I thought you’d be happy.

 **V:** I am.

 **Eve:** You don’t sound like you are.

 **V:** Eve, I’m telling you I’m happy.

 **Eve:** If you say so.

 **V:** Are you taking it out on me again?

 **Eve:** I’m not.

 **Eve:** It’s just that… you’re usually more *vocal* when you’re happy.

 **V:** I *am* happy.

 **V:** But I thought maybe you’d be… sad?

 **V:** I can’t always tell what the appropriate reaction is.

 **V:** Sometimes you’re a bit difficult to read.

 **Eve:** Who do you mean?

 **V:** People.

 **V:** I don’t want to be inappropriate with you, Eve.

 **Eve:** Oh, you will be.

 **Eve:** But I like it.

 **V:** Are you sad?

 **Eve:** A little.

 **Eve:** But also relieved.

 **V:** How are we supposed to call you now?

 **Eve:** I haven’t decided yet.

 **V:** I like Eve Polastri.

 **Eve:** Really?

 **Eve:** I thought you’d want me to change my name as soon as possible.

 **V:** I’m not a caveman, Eve!

 **V:** It’s the Moustache that bothers me, not the name.

 **Eve:** So, you *are* happy?

 **V:** I’m overjoyed!

 **V:** If you really want to know, I just danced in front of my screen.

**05:38 pm**

**Eve:** That picture is…

 **Eve:** I don’t have words for it.

 **V:** What? The moustache doesn’t look good on me?

**March 28**

**07:28 pm**

**Eve:** Why didn’t you kill me?

 **Eve:** The very first time, I mean.

 **Eve:** I had seen you – well enough to make an accurate description of you.

 **V:** I was kinda busy.

 **V:** You were beautiful.

 **V:** And Konstantin had forbidden me to do any collateral damage.

 **Eve:** You did practically nothing *but* collateral damage that day!

 **V:** Nobody’s perfect.

**09:12 pm**

**Eve:** By the way, how’s my admirer?

 **V:** … He blocked my number.

 **Eve:** What did you do?

 **V:** I might have threatened to kill him.

 **Eve:** What? Why?

 **V:** It just… came spontaneously in the conversation.

**March 29**

**03:25 pm**

**V:** What are you doing tonight?

 **Eve:** The usual.

 **V:** Ramen, cheap wine and bad TV?

 **Eve:** … Yes.

 **Eve:** What is it again that you like about me?

 **Eve:** Don’t answer my hair!

 **V:** Your hair!

 **V:** Gosh, you text faster than the wind.

**March 30**

**11:19 pm**

**V:** Can you log out of Netflix?

 **V:** I can’t watch anything when you’re logged in.

 **Eve:** Are you using *my* Netflix account?!

 **V:** I am.

 **Eve:** You are? That’s it? Do you think there’s nothing wrong with having hacked into my account?

 **V:** Do you think there’s nothing wrong with having watched “Crazy Stupid Love” four times?

 **Eve:** How did you figure out my password?

 **V:** It wasn’t that hard. Your pin code was *1234*, remember?

 **V:** But I’m flattered 😉

 **Eve:** Oh, shut up.

 **V:** So, can you log out now?

 **Eve:** No!

 **V:** Are you about to watch “Valentine’s Day”?

 **Eve:** Shut up or I’m changing my password.

**11:36 pm**

**V:** Just…

 **V:** Try “Love Actually”.

 **Eve:** It’s not on Netflix.

 **V:** HA! You tried to find it! I knew it!

 **Eve:** Go fuck yourself, Villanelle.

 **V:** I’ll think about you 💋

**March 31**

**10:54 pm**

**V:** Eve, darling!

 **V:** I’m just coming back from the funfair! 🥳

 **Eve:** I hate funfairs.

 **V:** How can you possibly hate cotton candy?

 **Eve:** It’s sticky.

 **Eve:** And there’s always a kid who gets too close and manages to stick it in your hair.

 **V:** But Eeeeve!

 **V:** You’re hopeless.

 **V:** My little diamond in the rough. Have I ever told you how much I love that little frowning face of yours?

 **Eve:** You really suck at paying compliments, you know?

 **V:** I’m great at paying compliments.

 **V:** I’m also great at air rifle shooting. Right in the bull’s eye every time. The stall holder banned me for life.

 **Eve:** What did you do to him?

 **V:** Why do you always expect the worst of me?

 **Eve:** What did you do to him, Villanelle?

 **V:** I *might* have shot him in the arm.

 **V:** He cried like a baby.

 **V:** I mean, those are really tiny pellets.

 **V:** I’ve been shot with real bullets and I’ve never cried like that!

 **V:** Hell, *you* took a real bullet and I’m pretty sure you didn’t cry.

 **Eve:** I didn’t.

 **V:** I know! Cause you’re a badass.

 **Eve:** Also because I passed out.

 **V:** That too.

 **V:** It does help.

**April 1**

**01:02 am**

**Eve:** Do you think you could shoot me again in the future?

 **V:** I wasn’t expecting that question.

 **Eve:** Is it something you’d ever feel like doing again?

 **V:** To be honest, violence was never really my thing.

 **Eve:** Are you kidding me?!

 **V:** I’m not. I don’t know what you’re imagining but I’m a rather vanilla kind of girl. Not that I lack imagination, far, *far* from it, but there are all kinds of variations without needing to…

 **V:** Although, technically, I *could* give it a try.

 **V:** I mean, if that’s your thing.

 **V:** I have nothing against the occasional bondage. We could even figure out something with a knife…

 **V:** But a gun? Seems a bit extreme though.

 **Eve:** What?

 **Eve:** Oh, come on.

 **Eve:** Come on, Villanelle, I’m not talking about sex play!

 **Eve:** Why, oh *why* would I want to get shot?!

 **V:** Oh.

 **V:** You have to admit that it wasn’t very clear.

 **Eve:** I’ll admit no such thing. Just how messed up do you think I am?

 **V:** Messed up? I never judge anyone based on their sexuality, Eve. That’s a very bad thing to do.

 **Eve:** No.

 **Eve:** No no no no.

 **Eve:** You are *not* lecturing me about tolerance.

 **Eve:** I can’t believe it.

 **V:** But I *am* a picture of tolerance.

 **V:** There’s no need to be ashamed of having fantasies, you know.

 **Eve:** I have *no fantasies whatsoever* about guns, let it be crystal clear.

 **V:** OK, OK!

 **V:** But you’re a bit… let’s say, *aroused* by violence. That’s the reason why you’re attracted to me.

 **Eve:** No, it isn’t!

 **V:** Yes, it is.

 **Eve:** OK. OK. Maybe it was *one* of the reasons why I was attracted to you.

 **Eve:** Anyway, I just wanted to know if you might shoot me again in case you got *annoyed* at me, not all hot and bothered.

 **V:** Oh.

 **V:** Oh, I see.

 **V:** I didn’t shoot you because I was annoyed at you. That’s not why I shoot people.

 **Eve:** Hello? The stall holder? About three minutes ago?

 **V:** Oh, please. It was in his arm. It hardly counts.

 **Eve:** Villanelle.

 **Eve:** You do understand what I’m asking you.

 **V:** No, I don’t.

 **Eve:** Would you shoot me if I did something you didn’t like?

 **V:** What kind of things are we talking about?

 **Eve:** I don’t know. Anything!

 **V:** How am I supposed to picture this if you’re not more specific?

 **Eve:** If I were sleeping with someone else, would you shoot me?

 **V:** No. Who do you think I am?

 **Eve:** If I told you I never wanted to hear from you again, would you shoot me?

 **V:** No.

 **Eve:** What would I have to do for you to shoot me?

 **V:** I don’t know.

 **V:** You’re asking super weird questions tonight.

 **Eve:** You don’t know? So, there’s a chance that you *will* shoot me again?

 **V:** I don’t think so.

 **Eve:** You don’t *think* so? Wow, that’s comforting.

 **V:** I don’t know, Eve, alright?

 **V:** I’m trying to be honest here. Isn’t it what you want?

 **Eve:** It is.

 **V:** All I can say is that I’d rather die than let anything happen to you.

 **V:** It’s all I’ve got, sorry.

 **Eve:** Fuck.

 **Eve:** That’s not right.

 **V:** No, Eve, *I*’m not right. Did you just figure this out?

 **Eve:** No. What’s not right is how *romantic* this sounds to me.

**03:18 am**

**V:** Does it make a difference?

 **Eve:** I’m sleeping, Villanelle!

 **V:** OK.

 **Eve:** What makes a difference?

 **V:** Our conversation. To us.

 **V:** You would tell me if you wanted to stop doing this? You wouldn’t just disappear on me?

 **V:** I hate it when people disappear.

 **Eve:** I knew what I was getting myself into.

 **V:** I can get better.

 **V:** But I’m not sure I’ll ever be *really* safe to be around.

 **Eve:** I already loved you when you were really not.


	5. Chapter 5

**April 1**

**03:12 pm**

**V:** Oh my god, Eve.

 **V:** I just had sex with Konstantin.

 **Eve:** What??

 **V:** APRIL FOOLS! 😛😛

 **Eve:** That’s about the least funny joke ever, Villanelle!

 **Eve:** I almost threw up.

 **V:** So the moustache is ok but you put your foot down when it’s a beard?

 **V:** It doesn’t tickle as much as a moustache in some circumstances though.

 **Eve:** So, first -- yuck. I was doing fine without these pictures in my head, thank you very much.

 **Eve:** And secondly, he’s practically your dad.

 **V:** Nonsense.

 **V:** He’s a co-worker at most.

 **V:** You’ve never had sex with a co-worker?

 **Eve:** Once.

 **V:** Ooh, which one? When?

 **Eve:** That’s irrelevant.

 **V:** Bill?

 **Eve:** No!

 **V:** Kenny?

 **Eve:** Not him either.

 **V:** Oh, I know! That mole guy? Fred?

 **V:** Frank!

 **Eve:** Absolutely not! Geez, what’s wrong with you?

 **V:** Who is it then?

 **Eve:** Hugo.

 **V:** I don’t know who Hugo is.

 **Eve:** Yes you do, he was with us in Rome.

 **V:** The pretty boy who was going on and on about his university?

 **Eve:** That’s the one.

 **V:** But he’s ten years old, Eve!

 **Eve:** He’s barely younger than you are.

 **V:** I’m very mature, we’ve already established that.

 **V:** Besides, you don’t have sex with me.

 **V:** Which is really not my fault.

 **V:** When?

 **Eve:** In Rome.

 **V:** In _Rome_? Tsk, that’s quite unprofessional of you, Eve.

 **Eve:** And entirely your fault in this instance.

 **V:** What?

 **V:** _Oh._

 **V:** Really?

 **Eve:** Let’s move on.

 **V:** I really don’t want to move on.

 **V:** Tell me everything!

 **V:** Or you’ll get a full description of all the things I haven’t done with Konstantin.

 **Eve:** Poor man, stuck with his two impossible teenage girls.

 **V:** He’s _not_ my father.

 **Eve:** Or is he? I bet he gave you a curfew.

 **V:** Maybe, but I never observe it!

 **Eve:** … Do you even read yourself?

**05:24 pm**

**V:** EVE!

 **V:** I think the Twelve have found me.

 **Eve:** What?

 **Eve:** But how?

 **Eve:** No, no.

 **Eve:** Don’t waste your time answering.

 **Eve:** Leave now. I’m calling Carolyn.

 **V:** APRIL FOOLS! 😛😛

 **Eve:** …

 **Eve:** Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

 **V:** People usually make jokes on April 1.

 **Eve:** Yes – _jokes_.

 **V:** Well, it was a joke.

 **Eve:** Well done, it was funny.

 **V:** Really?

 **Eve:** APRIL FOOLS! 😛😛

**07:48 pm**

**V:** Did you know that Konstantin had been flirting with Carolyn’s daughter?

 **Eve:** I won’t fall for that a third time in a row, Villanelle!

 **V:** It’s not a joke, I swear!

 **Eve:** Konstantin and Josephine, really?

 **V:** Geraldine, her name is Geraldine. Wow Eve, did you pay attention to anything at all these last few months?

 **Eve:** Tomato… Do you expect me to believe that something happened between Konstantin and Carolyn’s daughter?

 **Eve:** He slept with her mother!

 **V:** You’re such a prude.

 **V:** I think he used her to spy on Carolyn.

 **Eve:** Oh my god, Carolyn must have been mad.

 **Eve:** He was right to run as far away as possible.

 **V:** Yes, she’s a scary woman.

 **V:** It’s hot.

 **Eve:** …

 **Eve:** What a bastard.

 **V:** Yeah, he’s a bastard.

 **V:** Do you think he loves me?

 **Eve:** Yes.

 **V:** Konstantin mostly loves Konstantin.

 **Eve:** That too.

 **Eve:** What about Villanelle?

 **V:** What about her?

 **Eve:** Doesn’t she mostly love Villanelle?

 **V:** She used to.

 **V:** Eve?

 **V:** What you told me last night.

 **V:** Was it a joke?

 **Eve:** No, it wasn’t.

 **V:** It would have been a very bad one.

 **V:** But so that things are clear between us…

 **V:** You know I used your toothbrush, right?

 **Eve:** Tell me it’s an April fools joke.

 **V:** Good night, darling.

**April 2**

**08:46 pm**

**Eve:** Like me because old

 **V:** Come again?

 **Eve:** Like me because old

 **V:** Or you could try to make a whole sentence?

 **Eve:** Grumpf.

 **Eve:** Hard to type with one hand.

 **V:** It’s easy -- put your glass down.

 **Eve:** Don’t wanna.

 **V:** Eve.

 **Eve:** I’m saying that I’m old.

 **Eve:** And that it’s the only reason why you like me.

 **V:** If I wanted an old woman, I would have married my building’s super in Paris – a charming lady.

 **Eve:** Fuck, you’re so young.

 **V:** I’m already three years older than I was when you started wanting me.

 **V:** And in ten years, I’ll be ten years older.

 **Eve:** But so will I!

 **V:** So?

 **V:** I don’t mind driving you around in your wheelchair.

 **Eve:** Do you think it’s funny?

 **V:** You’re freaking out for no reason. I couldn’t care less about your age.

 **V:** You’re like the most beautiful woman in the world.

 **Eve:** Hm. I thought you thought _you_ were the most beautiful woman in the world.

 **V:** Oh, I’m off the charts.

 **Eve:** That you are.

**April 3**

**10:06 pm**

**V:** Why did you attack me on the bus?

 **Eve:** Are you _really_ asking me that?

 **V:** I was coming in peace. I said hi.

 **V:** I wasn’t even waiting for you in a dark alley or anything.

 **Eve:** I had been shot by you!

 **V:** When you stabbed me, I brought you champagne. Much more polite, don’t you think?

 **Eve:** You were bringing me champagne before _killing me_ , Villanelle.

 **V:** I wasn’t going to kill you.

 **Eve:** Really?

 **V:** I mean, I hadn’t _quite_ made up my mind yet.

 **V:** But I’m almost positive I wasn’t going to.

 **Eve:** Oh well, if you’re _almost_ positive, everything is fine then.

 **V:** So, you jumped down my throat because I shot you.

 **V:** Hm, I suppose it makes sense.

 **Eve:** You know what?

 **Eve:** I think it was your damn smile.

 **V:** What about my smile?

 **Eve:** You shoot me, you disappear for six months, and suddenly you show up in _my_ city, on _my_ bus, like nothing ever happened, with that smug smile on your face.

 **Eve:** God, you can be so infuriating.

 **V:** So, if I had shown up looking sorry?

 **Eve:** I probably wouldn’t have hit you.

 **V:** But you wouldn’t have kissed me either?

 **Eve:** Probably not.

 **V:** Interesting.

 **V:** You haven’t hit me the other times.

 **V:** But you haven’t kissed me either.

 **Eve:** Not because I didn’t want to.

 **V:** Are we talking about the hitting or the kissing?

 **Eve:** … Both?

 **V:** So, just out of curiosity, are both things inseparable?

 **V:** Because I really want you to kiss me.

 **V:** But I also want to keep my beautiful face unharmed.

 **Eve:** Don’t worry, I just want to hit you right now.

 **V:** Cool.

**April 4**

**07:26 pm**

**Eve:** You really thought I was dead, didn’t you?

 **V:** I’m a good shot.

 **V:** Usually.

 **Eve:** You missed twice though.

 **Eve:** And Konstantin is not exactly a small target.

 **Eve:** My shrink would say your unconscious has something to do with it.

 **V:** I don’t have an unconscious.

 **Eve:** Everybody has one.

 **V:** Everybody but me.

 **V:** And you can tell your shrink that I don’t want to have a penis either.

 **V:** So maybe don’t tell her about the ones I’ve cut off.

 **Eve:** Could you please stop talking about penises?

 **V:** You know what’s funny?

 **Eve:** I swear if it has anything to do with penises…

 **V:** I thought that once you were dead, I’d be rid of you.

 **Eve:** Funny is a bold choice of word, Villanelle.

 **V:** I mean, the funny thing is that even dead, you never stopped bugging me.

 **Eve:** Alright, it’s… a bit funny.

**10:18 pm**

**V:** Oksana Astankova

 **V:** Villanelle. Villanelle Astankova.

 **V:** Now that all of this is out of the question, what the hell is gonna be my name?

 **Eve:** Olive Ksana?

 **V:** Olive Ksana?

 **Eve:** O. Ksana? Got it?

 **V:** …Unfortunately, yes.

 **Eve :** Would you rather be Oriana? Ornella?

 **V:** Hm, I could be Italian. My Italian is delightful.

 **V:** If you wanted to change your identity, what would be your name?

 **Eve:** Um.

 **Eve:** Tallulah Shark?

 **V:** Tallulah Shark?!

 **Eve:** Why not?

 **V:** I can’t imagine ever having sex with someone named Tallulah Shark.

 **Eve:** Good, because Tallulah Shark isn’t interested.

 **V:** What about Eve Polastri?

**April 5**

**10:04 pm**

**Eve:** Villanelle?

 **V:** Yes?

 **Eve:** Still not in the mood for…?

 **V:** For what?

 **Eve:** You know what.

V: Oh, Eve, my little candy apple.

 **V:** How can you hope to be sexting when you can’t even bring yourself to say clearly what you want?

 **V:** That being said, your bashfulness when you write is almost as hot as your… wildness on buses.

 **Eve:** You won’t be so smug in a minute.

 **V:** Is that so? And what’s going to happen in a minute?

 **Eve:** This.

 **V:** … Wow, Eve.

 **V:** You are… Wow. There isn’t even a smiley for this.

 **V:** I didn’t think you were the type to wear matching underwear.

 **Eve:** I’m not the type to wear matching underwear.

 **V:** Oh, this is just for me then?

 **Eve:** It depends.

 **Eve:** Does it make you want to take it off me?

 **V:** Who are you and what have you done with my Eve Polastri?

 **Eve:** What do _you_ want to do to Eve Polastri?

 **V:** You’re killing me.

 **Eve:** I haven’t done anything yet.

 **V:** But Eve… I still don’t want to do this.

 **Eve:** Oh.

 **Eve:** OK.

 **V:** It’s too frustrating, do you understand?

 **Eve:** OK.

 **V:** Can you say anything else than OK?

 **Eve:** OK.

 **V:** Fuck, Eve.

 **V:** I really want you.

 **V:** But I need it to be _real_.

 **V:** I need your perfume.

 **V:** Your skin.

 **V:** Your hair everywhere.

 **V:** I want you so much I could explode. But when the only coherent word you are still able to say is Villanelle, I want to be _there_ and make it so that you say it again and again and _again_.

 **Eve:** Damn it, Villanelle.

 **Eve:** If you don’t want to do it like this, could you at least have the decency not to tease me?

 **V:** I’m not teasing you.

 **Eve:** Oh my.

**April 6**

**02:05 pm**

**V:** If I kill someone, will you still love me?

 **Eve:** Villanelle, you’ve done nothing _but_ kill people ever since I’ve known you.

 **V:** But I’ve stopped.

 **Eve:** I’m not going to pretend I don’t know that you might… Let’s say, relapse.

 **V:** And if I stop killing people, will you still love me?

 **Eve:** That’s a strange question.

 **V:** I used to be a really fun person, Eve.

 **V:** I was the coolest girl in the world.

 **V:** What if I’m turning into just _anybody_ now?

 **Eve:** I can’t imagine in what universe you could be just anybody.

**05:29 pm**

**Eve:** Sometimes I have regrets about Alaska.

 **V:** You shouldn’t.

 **V:** On second thought, it was a terrible idea.

 **V:** It’s so cold up there that you would have been wearing way too many clothes.

**09:14 pm**

**V:** Are you rather the classical music type or the hard rock type?

 **Eve:** Um, neither?

 **V:** Eeeve, you have to choose one so I can answer the quiz!

 **Eve:** The quiz?

 **V:** Yes, the quiz!

 **V:** “Are you a good match?”

 **Eve:** Wow, are you that bored?

 **Eve:** Finally got tired of shopping?

 **V:** Never!

 **V:** Would you rather murder someone with a knife or with an axe?

 **Eve:** Is this really in the magazine?

 **V:** … It isn’t.

 **V:** But then, they aren’t asking any interesting questions!

 **Eve:** I do have a question.

 **Eve:** When you did your little number in my kitchen, with your crocodile tears and your “I need help”, did you really think I was going to buy it?

 **V:** Most of the time, the crying gets the job done.

 **Eve:** Did you think I would believe you?

 **V:** Honestly?

 **V:** I would have been disappointed if you had.

**11:32 pm**

**V:** What would your friend think about it?

 **Eve:** Dammit, Villanelle – _context_!

 **V:** Your friend Bill. About what we’re doing.

 **Eve:** Oh.

 **Eve:** He would tell me I’m crazy.

 **V:** Fair enough.

 **Eve:** And he would ask me how the sex is.

 **Eve:** So I would tell him I have no idea and then he would say I’m _completely_ crazy to do this if it’s not because the sex is amazing.

 **V:** Cool.

 **Eve:** He was very cool.

 **V:** I wanted to catch your attention.

 **Eve:** I know.

 **V:** Do you miss him?

 **Eve:** Always.

 **Eve:** It’s silly, but I can’t imagine telling anyone else the crazy story that my life has become.

 **V:** Are you mad at me?

 **Eve:** No, not anymore. It would be as ridiculous as being mad at a tiger for eating my hamster.

 **V:** I’m sorry.

 **V:** You know that if it was now, I’d never do it, right?

 **Eve:** Good, because if it was now, I’d never forgive you.

**April 7**

**06:14 pm**

**V:** It’s awful, Eve.

 **V:** I’m anybody.

 **Eve:** What are you talking about?

 **V:** I just had lunch with Konstantin and that little bitch Irina.

 **Eve:** Hm, OK. Not sure I’m following you.

 **V:** We had pasta. Bolognese!

 **V:** I peeled some carrots!

 **Eve:** And you didn’t stick the peeler into anyone?

 **V:** No, I didn’t! Just into the carrots!

 **Eve:** That’s very… domestic of you.

 **V:** Oh my god Eve, I’m Niko!

 **Eve:** Did you grow a moustache?

 **V:** Fuck, are you choosing today to make a moustache joke?

 **Eve:** You love moustache jokes!

 **V:** Because I’m usually the opposite of the Moustache!

 **Eve:** Villanelle, did you smoke something?

 **V:** This is why you’re not coming, isn’t it?

 **V:** Because I’ve gone soft.

 **V:** And I’m not the big bad wolf anymore.

 **Eve:** What do you want?

 **V:** I told you. What normal people want.

 **V:** To watch movies with my girlfriend. Go the restaurant with her and touch her under the table. Take a walk holding hands. Trip the occasional kid running past us to make her laugh.

 **V:** A nice apartment. A cool pet. A wolf, or – oh! A cobra!

 **V:** A fun job, a bank robbery from time to time because Dior, obviously.

 **Eve:** Wow, do you really think this is what normal people do?

 **V:** I said normal Eve, not _ordinary._

**11:16 pm**

**Eve:** And how would we name the cobra?

 **V:** Gucci.

 **Eve:** Veto.

 **V:** Veto is really a strange name for a cobra, Eve.

**April 8**

**04:24 pm**

**Eve:** Tallulah Shark?!

 **V:** Quite neat, right?

 **Eve:** Tallulah Shark!

 **V:** It seemed to mean a lot to you.

 **Eve:** Who’s going to believe that my name is _Tallulah Shark_?

 **V:** I don’t know, cops, customs officers, librarians… Do you go to the library?

 **Eve:** Nobody will believe it.

 **V:** Oh, they will. These are really good fake papers.

 **Eve:** Dammit, Villanelle, I wasn’t being serious!

 **Eve:** Couldn’t you just give me some ordinary name like, I don’t know, Annie Wilson?

 **V:** You don’t look like someone named Annie Wilson at all!

 **Eve:** But I look like someone named Tallulah Shark?

 **V:** Will you stop whining, Tallulah?

 **Eve:** Have another set made for me!

 **V:** My little tangfastic, do you have any idea how much these have cost us?

 **V:** Konstantin wasn’t so keen on making some for you too, to begin with. The negociations were hard.

 **Eve:** Hard?

 **V:** I argued for half an hour, beat him at yahtzee, and finally hit him on the head.

 **Eve:** Grumpf.

 **V:** Don’t act like a spoiled brat.

 **V:** Did you take a look at the rest of the parcel?

 **Eve:** I did. It’s…

 **Eve:** Konstantin?

 **V:** He doesn’t know.

 **Eve:** I’ve never seen so much cash in my life.

 **V:** Which would explain your clothes.

 **Eve:** Fuck you, Villanelle.

 **V:** I was rather expecting a thank you but I suppose that fucking me will do.

 **V:** Don’t turn on the phone before you need it.

 **V:** My number is in it. And Carolyn’s. Just in case.

 **Eve:** Why such a parcel, Villanelle?

 **V:** Freedom.

 **V:** I ruined your life. I’m offering you a new one.

 **Eve:** What kind of life?

 **V:** The one you want.

 **V:** If you want to start from scratch one day, you can.

 **Eve:** And if I don’t want to?

 **V:** Well, you can always buy better wine.

 **Eve:** I don’t know what to say.

 **V:** That’s a first.

 **Eve:** What about you, what’s the name on your new papers?

 **V:** Marilyn Shark.

 **Eve:** Marilyn, of course!

 **Eve:** Wait, Marilyn _Shark_? What are we, sisters?

 **V:** Oh, Eve darling. Marilyn and Tallulah do things together that sisters are definitely _not_ supposed to do.

 **V:** It’s Marilyn Leblanc-Shark, by the way.

 **Eve:** Leblanc?!

 **V:** It’s French. Means “the white one”.

 **Eve:** I know, thanks. Unbelievable! Why not the French for “the pure one” while you’re at it?

 **Eve:** I can’t believe it. When did I ever agree to marry you?

 **V:** Tsk, _Tallulah_ asked Marilyn to marry her. Marilyn hadn’t seen it coming at all.

 **V:** But it was very romantic. And the diamond is _huge_.

 **Eve:** … Of course.

**April 9**

**04:14 pm**

**V:** Are you and your mother close?

 **Eve:** During all the time you spent tailing me, have you ever seen me with my mum or talking to her on the phone?

 **V:** No, I haven’t.

 **Eve:** No, my mother and I aren’t close.

 **V:** Why?

 **Eve:** I don’t know.

 **Eve:** She doesn’t know me.

 **V:** Mothers, huh?

 **Eve:** Yeah, mothers.

 **V:** What about your father, was he a fun dad?

 **Eve:** Villanelle, what are you trying to do?

 **V:** Isn’t it what people are supposed to do at the beginning of a relationship?

 **V:** Confide in each other and try to relate to one another by finding out which life experiences they have in common?

 **Eve:** My god, you have to stop googling stuff!

 **V:** Having a curious and learning-oriented mind is an excellent quality, Eve!

 **Eve:** You were saying… The beginning of a relationship?

 **V:** Looks like it.

 **V:** From what Google says.

 **Eve:** Yes, my father was a fun dad.

 **V:** Yeah!

**06:36 pm**

**Eve:** Tell me why all those childish pranks at my house?

 **V:** I think I wanted to be everywhere in your daily life.

 **Eve:** You already were.

 **V:** And I wanted you to be annoyed.

 **V:** I really enjoy annoying you.

 **Eve:** No kidding.

**09:48 pm**

**V:** I did cry sometimes when I was a baby.

 **Eve:** Yeah, I suspect you did.

 **Eve:** Why are you telling me this?

 **V:** I just wanted you to know.

**April 10**

**10:06 pm**

**Eve:** How were you feeling, just before going to jail?

 **V:** Confused.

 **Eve:** Did you think about her in there?

 **V:** At first, she was all I could think about.

 **Eve:** And then?

 **V:** And then I picked fights with Nadia to pass the time.

 **V:** And then I had sex with Nadia to pass the time. She was a real wild cat. In two weeks, I turned her into a kitten.

 **V:** But I was still… numb.

 **Eve:** And then?

 **V:** She started yacking about that guy who was going to get her out of here. And then…

 **Eve:** And then?

 **V:** And then I finally had a future.

 **Eve:** You never came back for her.

 **V:** Why would I have come back?

 **Eve:** I’m not talking about Nadia.

 **V:** Oh.

 **V:** I meant to do it later. After my training. After my first mission. After the second one…

 **Eve:** What happened?

 **V:** You started chasing me.

 **Eve:** Oh.

 **V:** As you say. Oh.

 **V:** She believed in God, you know.

 **Eve:** I had never considered it.

 **V:** You’ve met Anna. Imagine what it’s like for a woman like her to cheat on her husband. With a woman. Who is underage.

 **V:** Let me tell you that compared to her guilt trip, yours is a real picnic.

 **Eve:** But she did it, though.

 **Eve:** I mean, she denied it, but you both did have sex.

 **V:** What can I say, I was already irresistible back then.

 **V:** I thought she loved me. Seems to be an unfortunate habit of mine.

 **Eve:** She probably did, in a way.

 **V:** Yeah. She felt sorry for me. And the flesh is weak. I’m really _great_ in bed, you know. It can be pretty addictive.

 **V:** And it’s healthier than smoking. You should consider it.

 **Eve:** I would have chosen you.

 **V:** Really?

 **Eve:** I did.

 **V:** You did no such thing.

 **Eve:** Excuse me?

 **Eve:** Two jobs, one best friend, one husband, remember?

 **V:** You lost all those things because you were obsessed by me, that’s right.

 **V:** But you’re still in London.

 **Eve:** Villanelle…

 **V:** I’m not blaming you, just stating a fact.

 **Eve:** It’s just that…

 **Eve:** We’re good, aren’t we?

 **Eve:** Have we ever been so…

 **Eve:** So good, you and me?

 **V:** Relax.

 **V:** I never _really_ expected you to come.

 **Eve:** Things haven’t been so simple for a long time, do you understand?

 **V:** Sounds like you think you are the only one for whom things were simpler before.

 **V:** _My_ life was simple. My mind wasn’t cluttered by a million existential questions. Murder, sex, champagne, rewind and start again. See? _Simple_.

 **V:** The only difference between us is that I love you enough to think it was worth it.

 **Eve:** I think I’ll go to bed now.

 **V:** Are you mad?

**April 11**

**09:08 am**

**V:** Seriously, are you mad?

**04:22 pm**

**V:** Can we talk?

**11:34 pm**

**V:** You promised me you wouldn’t disappear.

**April 12**

**11:06 am**

**Eve:** Sorry, those bastards forced me to turn off my phone.

 **V:** What bastards?

 **Eve:** On the plane.

 **V:** Where are you, Eve?

 **Eve:** Cuba.

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this fic, we hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Let us know what you think, the author will answer your reviews herself :-) HLK


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